Sea Monkeys & The City

So I was searching around for sea monkey stuff --- on a random whim because they're awesome --- and came across this review for the Sea Monkey City tank set:

I am an avid fan of Sea Monkeys and am always excited to see the latest accessories designed by the great Sea Monkey Overlords. I was thrilled about the release of the City Mini World - it's just like a real city, only smaller, and instead of people, there are Sea Monkeys, and instead of air, there's water. But the similarities are uncanny.

My Sea Monkeys were just as excited as I was, so when I released them into their new metropolitan digs, I expected to see nothing but FUN. But, boy was I wrong! Turns out that the Sea Monkey Overlords were a little too thorough in recreating city life in a miniature form.

Here are my issues:

1. There is only one mini Sea Monkey Starbucks in the entire mini city, which leads to long lines, stressed out barista-monkeys, and frequent complains about line-jumpers and lack of seating. Furthermore, the Sea Monkey Overlords should have known better that caffeine and Sea Monkeys do not mix! Those little freaks are hyper enough with just water in their systems...add a venti mini caramel macchiato and they are freaking WIRED!

2. Sea Monkeys are notoriously bad drivers due to their limited cognitive functioning and motor skills. And yet, they are given cars! Due to the lack of a mini DMV, I don't even think the Sea Monkeys have bothered with any sort of drivers ed or licensing program. And recent statistics show that 75% of Sea Monkey drivers are uninsured! The Sea Monkey Mini City is plagued with accidents caused by negligent drivers, which is taxing both the mini hospital system AND the mini court system. Take the cars away!

3. Rising rent prices and overcrowding have also made the living situation for Sea Monkeys in the City difficult. Only about a third of all Sea Monkeys in my mini city can afford decent apartments, while the rest are reduced to living from their cars or out on the streets. Those lucky enough to find an apartment usually have to cramp an entire family of 6-8 Sea Monkeys into an apartment designed for 1 or 2.

4. Crime rates in the mini city are also out of control. 3 out of 5 Sea Monkeys in my mini city have been the victim of pickpockets or muggers. Because all Sea Monkeys look alike, it is nearly impossible to find and prosecute assailants. You try picking one out of a lineup!

5. Education is a huge problem in the mini city. Sea Monkeys are so busy waiting in line for a decent cup of coffee, securing a place to live, and dealing with traffic that they invest nearly no time in ensuring that their children are receiving a proper education. 99.9% of all adult Sea Monkeys who grew up in the mini city cannot read above a 2nd grade level, and none can do basic arithmetic. When asked to find the USA on a map, none of them could point it out.

Is this the kind of future we want for our Sea Monkeys?

http://www.amazon.com/review/R1EP5UXKPZSXT9/ref=cm_cr_rdp_perm

thank god somebody is lobbying for sea monkey issues. it's about fucking time.